What Makes It Work?

We have been on vacation for a week now and I cannot believe how much I needed one! We did a family vacation last year in TN. And really, a couple years ago, the idea of a real vacation two years in a row would've seemed impossible. But now it seems like a necessity!
The kids and I have spent that last week with family and I was able to spend some time with good dear friends. It has been great. A couple afternoons at the pool, East coast pizza at least once a day, and snuggling with the kids during the night. It has been awesome!

But Bobby hasn't been here. He wasn't able to come until today, so we have been out here enjoying ourselves, but missing him like crazy!
We met 14 years ago and besides Christmas break my Freshman year, this is by far the longest we have been apart! We just don't do so well without each other. Well, I guess I should speak for myself - I don't do so well without him! I think he has had an incredibly productive week while we were gone!

I know that people think we are so cheesy sometimes. A friend of mine was saying something about a newlywed that thought her husband was the greatest guy ever. My friend said that was alright, they hadn't been married a year yet. Next year, she would think differently. I immediately started bragging and told her that Bobby and I had been together 14 years and are still crazy and madly in love with each other! I don't think that's cheesy or weird.

Bobby and I really feel like we have been blessed with the marriage we have. Its always been pretty easy for us. Not to say that its been perfect. We have been through some tough times, some things that other couples haven't survived. But we still have this ridiculous amount of love for each other. He walks in the room and I still often feel that flip-flop in my belly. I walk into the room and I can see that glimmer in his eye when he looks at me.
We have always been that way. Silly romantics. And I know that doesn't work for everyone. A lot of how our marriage plays out has to do with our personalities. I get that. And our faith is absolutely the foundation of our marriage. But a lot of why it is still the way it is has to do with a couple of practical things.

One thing is that we assume the best of each other. He assumes that when I have (or haven't) done something, there is a good reason. And even if there isn't a good reason, he comes into the situation with such a better attitude than he would've had he thought the worst of me. That has made a huge difference in conflict.
Then the other totally important thing for us is we don't raise our voice at each other. 14 years - no yelling. Really. And we don't agree on everything. Actually, the older we get, the more I am finding my voice and letting him know that I don't always agree with him, but we just don't yell. Bobby actually almost always holds my hand when we fight. Its really hard to yell at someone when you are touching them!

But really, I blame Bobby. Our marriage works so amazingly because he is so awesome. Actually, I think it may work well because he would say the same thing about me!
He so awesome - I can't wait to see him!

Chiseling

So I am stuck in that stage of life (I am assuming it is a stage that people go through!) where I am experiencing some huge change. Not change as a result of happenings around me, but change as a result of happenings within me. I know that we are all constantly growing and changing, and that we all should try to improve what we can about ourselves. But the past year has been pretty intense and I am at the point of being totally overwhelmed.

It seems like the list never ends. I have gotten very good over the past 32 years of tallying up my list of faults. When I was younger, they were superficial. I got over it as I grew up. My ears stick out. My eyebrows are thick; my calves are thick, too! That list comes easily, but honestly, I have learned to not care much about that stuff. (Bobby thinks I am beautiful. I'm not trying to impress anyone else!)

But now, my list is more personal, more intimate. I'm looking at personality traits and wondering if they are good or need to go. Some things that I feel like are part of who I am at my core. And even if they are wrong or bad, or even just not the best, they are part of me. They are part of who I am. They are the result of the life I have lived. So when it comes time to change them or get rid of them altogether, it is painful. I am digging ridiculously deep and ripping it all apart. I know I need to, but I feel the pain so intensely sometimes.

Ginny Owens wrote a song about being a smooth pebble in a river bed. She was only smooth because she had been rushed over by the intense waves. I think it was Ginny Owens that wrote the song about walking through the fire too... I used to think they were such great songs. Now I think they suck.

I am tired. Is this how life works? Am I continually in a state of ripping away the layers of me that make me less of who God wants me to be? I am afraid the answer is yes.

I really do want to be all that God created me to be. I just didn't have any idea that it was going to be such hard work.

The Corsage

So the first year I was officially a mother, I informed Bobby that I needed a corsage for Mothers' Day. (That sounds really bossy, I know. But I really wanted one, he was clueless about it, and I knew he would love a little direction.) So I got one! The next year, I reminded him gently and got one again! For several years, I got a corsage on Mothers' Day. It was awesome!

But its been a while, and honestly, I hadn't noticed. Strange that something that was so important to me just isn't anymore. I know, its just a corsage, but it was like a rite of passage to me. I had finally entered the stage of life where I got a flower on my shirt once a year. Woo Hoo! Isn't that crazy?! I think honestly, I just haven't had time to think about that stuff for a long time. But something that has always made my life super enjoyable is noticing and really enjoying the little things. It didn't used to take much for me to get really excited and crazy happy. Cheesy stuff too, like a sunbeam in just the right place, or Bobby's hand on my leg when other people are around. Stuff that I have apparently become to busy or distracted to notice.

But that was who I was. No, it's who I am. I am simple, almost naive that way. I can find goodness in just about anything. I can find joy in most days. I praise God for making me that way! But I guess at this stage of my life, I am being distracted by everything else.

Here's what I love about Bobby. He came home today from the gym with a bouquet of flowers. That is so not Bobby. He never buys flowers when I would expect him to (like on Mothers' Day). But he got them for me because he knew I would be thrilled to get them! (I was actually hoping that the kids would volunteer to buy me some when we were at the store together earlier in the day. They did not.) And he didn't just buy me flowers for Mothers' Day. He bought me a corsage.

Because even when I forget who I am, he doesn't.

Cloudy with a Chance of Tears

Have you ever had one of those days? Like when it's rainy, overcast, and rumbling thunder every once in a while and that's exactly how you feel? That was yesterday. I could feel it coming. I could feel it a couple weeks ago. I was running on near empty, coming up on Easter week and wondering how in the world I was going to survive.
I was empty. Every part of me. I get so busy talking care of everything and everyone that I run until I'm dry and then I crash. It's a horrible pattern, but one I find myself in so often.
And who bears the brunt of my emptiness? Bobby and the kids.
I get in this passive aggressive mood and rather than tell him how I am feeling, I get mad at him. I pout around the house and act like it's his fault that I am feeling the way I am. When I actually say that out loud (or type it, i guess!) I can't believe how ridiculous I sound!
And it's really all about fear. We've been together 13 years and I am still afraid of what will happen when I tell him how I feel! Will he be mad that I yelled at the kids? Will he be disappointed that I have these feelings about life?
But this time it was different. I was afraid that he would try to fix me. I didn't want to be fixed! I wanted to be loved on!
When he finally pulled it out of me, as painful and awkward as it was, I just told him I didn't want to be fixed. And it was so painful for him to hold back and not offer solutions. But he did exactly what I asked. And after that dumb long cry that comes from no where and everywhere all at the same time, I felt better.
It's such a dance, isn't it. I want him to know how to respond. He wants to take care of me and solve my problems. I get mad because he can't read my mind. He gets tired of my passive aggressiveness. And while it does totally take the romance out of things when I have to tell him exactly what I want, if I want it to happen I just have to tell him.
Ugh. So much work sometimes. But absolutely worth it.

Me and My Friends

I have never been someone to hold back in relationships. I am pretty transparent, don't mind sharing pretty much anything with a friend. I figure, if I am going to invest the time, I am going to do it all the way.
We have moved several times. I think this is our fifth ministry since we met? There have been great things about moving. New opportunities, new "cultures", new churches, new friends. And some of the friendships I have made, I will have for the rest of my life. They are deep, truth-filled, life-changing friendships.
But there is this struggle inside of me at the same time. I am a bit of a home-body. I like to be with Bobby and the kids all the time! And so what that has done, is caused me to form good friendships with wives of Bobby's friends or with women involved in his ministries. Which, actually, works really well, because it almost guarantees that we have a bunch in common and makes the whole beginning stages of the friendship pretty comfortable!
But since high school, I haven't had a real "group" of friends that I identified myself with. The "gang" I ran around with, hung out with; the people other people would know as my friends. And in high school , my friends were my life. It has been a whole I longed to fill for years. Not a huge deal because I had Bobby and a few other really good friends. But feeling like you belong to a small community was something I hadn't experienced in years. I think what makes it worse, is that all of our extended family lives far away. This Jackson family has always been on their own! And while it is a quiet prayer of mine that that won't always be the case, it has been a dynamic of life I have had to learn to adjust to.
Until recently. Bobby and I have found a group of friends that is indescribable. Months ago, we began meeting as a small group in our home every other week. Over the summer, we decided to meet every week and then in the fall couldn't handle going back to every other week and now the seven families get together for dinner, fellowship, and study of the word. The conversations during dinner and study) are often times life changing and rich. The connection that we all shared immediately was amazing, and no doubt from God. We all share life with each other. I find myself feeling like I belong to an awesome group of friends again! It really is like having this huge family all the time!
So why do I say all this? Well, today I find myself really struggling with the end of another friendship. I had invested lots of time and heart (both of my own and my families') into this relationship. I knew it was coming to an end and have just been in denial, I guess. And there are so many layers with kids; kids that are friends with their kids wanting to know where they are, why aren't they coming, why aren't we going. I know it's all part of life. That just doesn't ease the pain of the end of a friendship.
But what does help is the Spirit bringing to mind the amazing ways that God has blessed me in the area of friendships lately. I thought my friend and I would be long-time deep friends. And while I was grieving the loss of this friendship (and I still am), God was busy with a desire of my heart!

Through Him or Through Me

Bobby and I joke a lot about our gifts and the way God uses us.
We both lead worship.
We both teach (preach) on Sunday morning.
We both do a good bit of "counseling".
Today I was working on tomorrow's message and like always, I was talking it trough with him, asking his advice about things I was planning to teach and share. He made some joke about me being on a higher plane then him because I teach more often than he (which honestly is just not true!) And maybe I should call someone more worthy like the other teachers at our church. I reminded him that even if that was true, he is the one with whom I talk things through, ask for advice, and pre-teach the message to. He smiled and said, "Yeah, your just a prettier way to get my ideas out!"
We laughed and said how as long as it communicated God's message, who cared if He used the prettier method!
But it is so true. We do ministry together in many ways that I understand aren't typical. I feel truly blessed that we get to share our callings as much as we do. It leaves the door wide open to competition though.
And I am pretty competitive! But with my husband? In ministry? Not even an option. I am thrilled that God's work is being done through him and on another day through me, sometimes in very similar ways. The day I am jealous of my husbands gifts or he is jealous of mine would be a sad day for our marriage.
That we get to serve God side by side and help each other, encourage each other, understand each other's experiences and struggles is an awesome thing.

Making It Work

I imagine finding a balance between work and family is hard for men. I hear lots of women talk about how their husbands work too much, are hardly ever home, and even when they are, their mind is still at work.
I think for wives of ministers, there is another element to that struggle. I don't feel good about complaining that Bobby has been putting in long hours, because I know that what he is doing is changing lives. (And that's not to say other careers don't change lives, actually, I think most of this applies to any marriage.)
I have to honestly say that this has never really been a struggle for Bobby and me. And believe me, Bobby is a busy guy! He puts in long hours that turn into long days, that become long weeks.... You get the picture. I think we have done a few things to help with the whole balance struggle and I thought I would share them with you.
1. Ministry is our life. It just always has been. And we have been fortunate enough that our talents and gifts are very complimentary. When we began having kids, though, we had to be creative. Now that we have four kids, I am not as hands on in his ministry as I once was. But I still feel super connected. Instead of serving on the worship team every week, I serve once a month. That was a hard transition! But we have found other ways for me to be involved. We host meetings at our house. That way, I get to attend and I get the connect with all the volunteers he works with. Practical things like that.
2. Our kids are involved in our ministries. (Well they are all under 7, so as much as they can be, they are involved!) We have each taken the older two with us on home communion trips and even hospital calls when it is appropriate. I just don't think they are ever to young to learn that ministry or serving isn't just something we do, it is who we are. I'm hoping this will do a couple things. I want my kids to grow up thinking they are so blessed to have a daddy that gets paid to serve God! And I want them to grow up always thinking of ways they can serve too.
3. But really, I think this is what makes it work the most for Bobby and me: Bobby would leave this ministry in a second if he thought our family would be better, our marriage would be better; and I would never ask. Understand, our idea of "better" has to do with being more like Christ and closer to God. Not just spending more time with each other and having a more consistent schedule.
I know this is a bit cyclical, but part of the reason he would do it in a second is because he knows I would never ask. And part of the reason I would never ask is because I know he would do it in a second.
Bobby and I share a mutual respect and love of the ministry. We share a mutual respect and love for each other. This is not only what makes it possible for us to do the work we do, but it's what makes it absolutely enjoyable! I couldn't imagine our life any other way.

When He Does that Thing He Does

I love being led in worship by my husband. I serve on the worship team with him, and get to lead with him often, but sitting with the congregation while he is leading worship is an amazing experience.
I was overwhelmed today with the blessing that is.
I am so proud that I can say my husband leads others in true authentic worship. That is one of his heart's desires. And its his job! When he isn't with me or the kids, he is working to change lives in a very eternal way! How awesome is that?! It's always been difficult for me to complain when he needs to put in long hours or we cancel another date to help a friend, or even someone I've never met!
My heart is never as full as when I watch him lead worship. It was one of those things that he was created to do. To be a part of that is a pure blessing.
I told him as soon as I could.

Waiting

I am sitting here in our bed watching the nightly news and wondering when Bobby will make it home from worship team rehearsal tonight. I thought this was a perfect time to begin this blog! Thursday nights are often a nice time for me to regroup and collect my thoughts from the week and get ready for the next week. Actually, Thursdays are the long day of the week for Bobby. Out of the house before Mia goes to school and at the office until 10:30/11:00. He should be home soon... can't wait!
We have been married for 11 years (last week!) We have been together a little over 13 years. And we have been doing ministry together even longer. Currently, Bobby is the Worship/Creative Arts and Cultivate Pastor at our church.
I've got four kids under the age of six. I am crazy involved in life with our church. And I promise I am struggling with normal (and sometimes I feel, abnormal) mom/wife issues just like any other woman. But I feel blessed to live life as a minister's wife. Totally blessed.
Life married to a minister has so much... potential. I'll leave it at potential because I have seen so many minister's wives do so many different things with their marriage. But the potential for something absolutely amazing to happen between two devoted Christ-followers for the kingdom is there.

So I tried a blog at the beginning of the year and just couldn't focus my thoughts. I have opinions and thoughts about everything! And really, I could talk about my kids all day. But being married to a minister? Who writes about that? Well, apparently now I do! We'll see how this goes.
I just heard the car door shut in the driveway! This is what I have been waiting for all day!