Chiseling

So I am stuck in that stage of life (I am assuming it is a stage that people go through!) where I am experiencing some huge change. Not change as a result of happenings around me, but change as a result of happenings within me. I know that we are all constantly growing and changing, and that we all should try to improve what we can about ourselves. But the past year has been pretty intense and I am at the point of being totally overwhelmed.

It seems like the list never ends. I have gotten very good over the past 32 years of tallying up my list of faults. When I was younger, they were superficial. I got over it as I grew up. My ears stick out. My eyebrows are thick; my calves are thick, too! That list comes easily, but honestly, I have learned to not care much about that stuff. (Bobby thinks I am beautiful. I'm not trying to impress anyone else!)

But now, my list is more personal, more intimate. I'm looking at personality traits and wondering if they are good or need to go. Some things that I feel like are part of who I am at my core. And even if they are wrong or bad, or even just not the best, they are part of me. They are part of who I am. They are the result of the life I have lived. So when it comes time to change them or get rid of them altogether, it is painful. I am digging ridiculously deep and ripping it all apart. I know I need to, but I feel the pain so intensely sometimes.

Ginny Owens wrote a song about being a smooth pebble in a river bed. She was only smooth because she had been rushed over by the intense waves. I think it was Ginny Owens that wrote the song about walking through the fire too... I used to think they were such great songs. Now I think they suck.

I am tired. Is this how life works? Am I continually in a state of ripping away the layers of me that make me less of who God wants me to be? I am afraid the answer is yes.

I really do want to be all that God created me to be. I just didn't have any idea that it was going to be such hard work.

The Corsage

So the first year I was officially a mother, I informed Bobby that I needed a corsage for Mothers' Day. (That sounds really bossy, I know. But I really wanted one, he was clueless about it, and I knew he would love a little direction.) So I got one! The next year, I reminded him gently and got one again! For several years, I got a corsage on Mothers' Day. It was awesome!

But its been a while, and honestly, I hadn't noticed. Strange that something that was so important to me just isn't anymore. I know, its just a corsage, but it was like a rite of passage to me. I had finally entered the stage of life where I got a flower on my shirt once a year. Woo Hoo! Isn't that crazy?! I think honestly, I just haven't had time to think about that stuff for a long time. But something that has always made my life super enjoyable is noticing and really enjoying the little things. It didn't used to take much for me to get really excited and crazy happy. Cheesy stuff too, like a sunbeam in just the right place, or Bobby's hand on my leg when other people are around. Stuff that I have apparently become to busy or distracted to notice.

But that was who I was. No, it's who I am. I am simple, almost naive that way. I can find goodness in just about anything. I can find joy in most days. I praise God for making me that way! But I guess at this stage of my life, I am being distracted by everything else.

Here's what I love about Bobby. He came home today from the gym with a bouquet of flowers. That is so not Bobby. He never buys flowers when I would expect him to (like on Mothers' Day). But he got them for me because he knew I would be thrilled to get them! (I was actually hoping that the kids would volunteer to buy me some when we were at the store together earlier in the day. They did not.) And he didn't just buy me flowers for Mothers' Day. He bought me a corsage.

Because even when I forget who I am, he doesn't.